Tainted Spaces

I struggle with the memories. I find myself picking up the phone attempting to dial your number. I have this constant loop going through my mind, a reminder of us.

This was my mindset almost six years ago; I was struggling with letting go. Everywhere I went there was a tainted space, a place where we created memories.
I think one of the hardest lessons in life is giving yourself the permission to be free and to walk in your freedom. Your mind is still trying to process the heartbreak and your heart is just trying to function. You are stuck between being present and not wanting to be bothered.
I remember the first few days after my break up, there was a lot of ice cream and a bunch of crying. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I didn’t want to talk to anyone I just wanted to be alone. Everything reminded me of him I was living in a tainted space.  I was overanalyzing every decision I made, questioning if leaving him was the right choice, wondering if I was ever going to piece my life back together.
Photo Cred: Trice C.
I went into overdrive thinking about all the ways I could get rid of every memory and every conversation. I had accepted a new job at the time so that was half of the battle, I no longer had to drive past his exit. Now to my friends, my friends were mutual friends with him. In my immaturity and dysfunction I reverted back to that kindergarten mentality.
You know the one where you try to get everyone on your side and turn everyone against the other person! Yup I reverted back to those ways; fortunately I was able to stop myself before I did any unnecessary damage to my character or to him.
I had to recognize that I couldn’t run from the memory of him, I had to grow and go through it! I had to unplug from Twitter (back in 2010 that was LIT) I had to basically detach from my surroundings.  I had to own up to the fact that the tainted spaces weren’t going anywhere. Our favorite restaurant was still going to be there two months from now, my favorite commercial was still going to be playing nonstop; our song was still going to be played on the radio. I had to face reality and it wasn’t pretty.
A relationship ending whether it be just dating or  marriage, it feels like death and you go through a grieving process. You are angry, you are in denial, you begin to reflect and one day down the line you realize that you can move on. Life has a funny way of happening whether you want it to or not, my friends were still going to party without me, my siblings were still going to get under my skin, my ice cream addiction to Snickers bars was still going to be there in the morning.  I had to make a choice to face the thing that tried to tear me apart.
I had to create new memories; I had to create a healthy space in my mind and in my heart for him. I had to forgive him and I had to move on. I still love what use to be our favorite restaurant, my friends are still friends with him and I learned to redirect my pain.
For every tainted space in your life whether it be from two months ago to ten years ago, you deserve to be free! You are allowed to make new memories. You are allowed to be happy without wishing any ill will against the other person. You are allowed to eat ice cream and watch all the tv you want if that’s what makes you happy.
A tainted space it just that, a SPACE in time.  Always remember time keeps moving whether you want it to or not. Make the choice to move on, embrace every moment you have and cherish the good times!


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