Heart Check: Week One
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. –Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
I spent many years building this wall it wasn’t something I decided to do one day, it just happened. My wall was gorgeous, I was able to see through the other side but no one was able to have access to me. I was protective and oftentimes very defensive when I felt there was an intruder coming into my space. I didn’t realize the damage I was causing until it was too late.
I was just guarding my heart, I was protecting what I thought was the most valuable thing I could offer. I knew that I loved deep and I loved hard and many times the other person couldn’t handle the amount of love they were receiving. Because my heart was so big and I gave so much I always felt like I wasn’t given the right amount of love in return when it came to relationships and friendships. I would always end up hurt in the end so I did what any person would do, I started guarding my heart. Little did I know, I spent years building walls and I wasn’t actually guarding my heart I was stopping it from functioning the way God intended it to.
I was creating a blockage in my heart and in my life, in order for you to get in you had to fight. You had to fight like your life depended on it, you had to pass multiple tests and I was the one who determined if you succeeded. I passed up a lot of friendships and relationships whether it be work related or personal not because I didn’t feel they weren’t deserving of my friendship or time I felt they weren’t deserving of my heart. I was simply guarding my heart.
I was doing what the scripture said, I was just doing what my mentors encouraged me to do.. Eventually I began to present the person I felt “they” wanted to see or be around. The one who passive, funny and who didn’t speak up. I didn’t want to cause any confrontation which gave others the ability to walk over me and to take advantage me. So what did I do? I built a wall not only around my heart but around me, this time my wall was reinforced with barricades and for every time someone hurt me I built a wall.
But God has a way of not only tearing down the walls but exposing your hurt, not to embarrass you but to show you that there are people who can help you. God created everyone in HIS image but sadly not everyone carries his love and light inside of them. So that puts us at risk for hurt, damage and abuse, whether it’s physical, mental or emotional. Many times the doubt and the low self-esteem began within us. Who told us that we weren’t good enough? Who told us we had to look like the women in the magazines? Who told us our hair wasn’t long enough, curly enough or straight enough? Who created the atmosphere for competition? Was it us or was it them? Honestly, for me I began the cycle of comparison at an early age, when in reality I have so much to offer the world but because of my walls no one was able to experience it.
The mistake I made is that once I built the walls I realized that I didn’t have the strength or the tools to tear them down. I did what I was taught, I asked God for help but of course I made the decision to try to help him. God not only removed my desire to help him but he began to heal me.
I didn’t want new friends, I didn’t want to meet “THE ONE” I just wanted the walls to be demolished. As time went on God began to surround me with an amazing group of friends who were patient enough to love me through my insecurities and my hurt. I am so grateful that God allowed the walls to crumble but I had some lessons to learn.
I learned that everything flows in and out of my heart; I cannot survive and fulfill my purpose on earth if I block access to the one thing that keeps me alive. I had to reprogram myself; I had to learn how to guard my heart and how to trust the process. I had to trust that every failed friendship and relationship wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t always ME! Sometimes the season just ended and their purpose was fulfilled in my life. To guard my heart means to love freely but to be mindful that with every heartbeat and with every breath there is a purpose to be fulfilled. I understand the importance of protecting my heart but also trusting God with my heart and with my decisions.
No more walls. No more excuses. No more hesitation.
Guard your heart. Don’t block the flow!