Am I Strong Enough?

“You armed me with strength for battle; you humbled my adversaries before me.”-2 Samuel 22:40

It was just a regular day I was working crazy hours and still managed to have enough strength to grab dinner with my coworkers. As dinner was coming to an end I received a phone call and before I knew it my world had shattered into a million pieces. Here I was in Bozeman, Montana with no family or friends to call on it was just me and my broken heart, I began walking back to my hotel room with tears in my eyes. Did I not do enough? Did I ignore the signs? Did I miss too many phone calls? What do I do? What do I say? My mind became flooded with millions of questions and my heart became heavy with regret and guilt. 

I remember reaching for my hotel room key and the moment the door slammed behind me I fell on the floor, everything inside of my wanted to scream and just let it out. It was in that moment I realized that I wasn’t strong enough to handle any of this, but this was when I had to depend on God. I learned that after we have our mini freak out sessions Christ is always there waiting to console us and remind us that he will never put more on us than we can bare. I began playing “Oceans” by Hillsong United and just began crying out to God. Till this day I can’t really explain exactly what took place in that room but I do remember my prayer started changing from “God why? Why is this happening to me? I feel alone” to “God please show me how you want me to handle this situation. I just want you to get the glory out of this story. Let this be a testimony of your unconditional love and mercy. Protect everyone involved and let us see you.” Little did I know the storm was just beginning and every time I saw a glimpse of hope it was snatched right from me, but I kept depending on God and I had to trust that this was all a part of his plan. 

God never said that this walk would be easy, he never said that everything will be sunshine and roses but he did promise to always be there.  I had to realize that everything I needed to endure this battle was already placed inside of me; it was my job to access it and use the tools God gave me to fight this spiritual battle.

I was fighting the battle the wrong way, I was confronting the situation on a physical level and I was quickly reminded that this was a spiritual battle. Not only did I have to be strong but I had to arm myself with HIS word and trust that this battle was already won, I was just waiting to see it manifest. The storm was sent into my life to remind me exactly how strong I am with Christ on my side. Every storm, every battle, every lost and every victory I endured and survived because Christ was right there. For the past year and a half I had to lean on Christ like never before, there were times I laid on the floor too weak to raise my head. I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained but I had to keep pushing! They needed me, they needed my prayers to surround them at night while they laid alone feeling helpless and alone. They needed somebody to believe in them and to understand this was all a part of HIS plan. It was no longer my assignment to judge or question the situation but to go to God in prayer with an open mind and heart

As I look back over the past year and a half I still feel the pain but I trust that the same God who gave me the strength to endure the silent battle will also heal my hurting heart. I am grateful for this season and for all of the lessons I have learned along the way. I am not sure what the end will look like but I am comforted by the fact that God is and will always be in control! No matter where I am in the world, one mention of his name not only summons his presence but his angels as well. 

Whatever silent battle you are going through, know that God sees and hears all. He is right there watching over you while you sleep and he is always working on your behalf!





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