My Prayer Has Changed......

Six years ago around this time I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom writing my prayer for you. I was broken but still wanted to pray for you. It didn't matter how much I was hurting I needed to pray for you. I didn't want my pain to turn into anger I wanted to deal with it and set it free, I wanted to heal and move on. Brokenness is a process and many people deal with their broken pieces in different ways, at the time I just knew I needed to pray. I didn't have all the answers but I trusted God to piece this broken masterpiece back together.
I still want you to live your dream and to experience God in a whole new way.  I just want you to be happy. If that means leaving others behind so you can focus on yourself then so be it. While I was praying for you I began to pray for myself, I prayed that God would give me the strength to close this chapter in my life but to also have the strength to start a fresh new chapter. I had to release all the guilt and shame I felt, I had to forgive myself. I thought I could save you, I thought with a little love and care I could've changed you but God showed me that in the midst of me trying to "fix" you I failed to work on myself. 
Oftentimes I was so consumed by you and how you were feeling that I failed to put myself first. I failed to love myself  and I ultimately stopped caring about the ones closest to me. I lost myself in what I thought was "love" but love doesn't cause you to lose who you are and forget what you stand for. Love breathes life in the darkest parts of your soul, it ignites a fire inside of you. Love reminds you of your dreams and brings about a sense of security. Love is patient, love is kind.

I know God will heal you and I know that this pain is just temporary. Together we will rise above this although we went our separate ways I never once wanted you to feel guilty for my inability to properly love myself. 

These past six years God has brought me to a new place, he has showed me so much about myself and has given me a chance to get it right, These are the moments that I can't wait to share with my future children I want to instill in them the loving and gracious God I encountered during the "dark moment". God has a way of reminding you that your failure and your mistakes not only make you stronger but they can save others form going down the same path as you. And although I can't shield my future children from the heartache if I can help just ONE person avoid losing themselves in a relationship then my job is done. 
It was so much deeper than calling it quits. I had to dig myself out of the darkness. I prayed for you for months I didn't know what else to do but to pray. 

God has changed my prayer now. I have learned to pray for myself and my future spouse with as much intensity and power as I prayed for you. My future spouse is already covered with the blood of Jesus Christ. I pray for his dreams,I ask that God guides him and gives him the strength to make the decisions that honor him. I pray for his heart and that if he needs healing that God heals him. I pray for his family and for any broken pieces that he doesn't know what to do with. I also pray for myself, I pray over my dreams and that HIS will is be done in my life. 

My Prayer For You will always be one of peace and grace. 

But My Prayer has changed.... 


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